Very Sick Jokes

  • I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
  • I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
  • My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, he's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
  • Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should
    change dentists?
  • A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking > behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
  • I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
  • The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
  • At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
  • One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
  • You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
  • Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
    my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
  • A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
  • The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.


There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificant ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young lady named Sue
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw
But one leads to the other
And now she's a mother
Let this be a lesson to you!

There once was a girl named Lil
Who ate an atomic pilllaughing monkey
They found her Vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent
But as she grew older
The landlord grew colder
And now they live in a tent.

There was a young man named McBride
Who could fart whenever he tried
In a contest he blew
Two thousand and two
And then shit and was disqualified

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was an old man of Peru
Who dreamt he was eating a shoe.
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright
And found it was perfectly true.

There was a young Scotsman named Fisher
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure.
Then a cod, with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

There once was a farmer from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
It soon came to pass
He was covered with grass
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

There was a young lady whose chest
Was acknowledged as one of the best.
She had no inhibitions
About competitions
Since she stood out from all of the rest.

A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher.

There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

There Once was a Man called Reg
Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge
Along came his wife
With a big Carving Knife
And cut off his meat and two veg

Said the Vicar to old Bishop Price,
My wife's just had twins,, ain't that nice.
But the Bishop said, "Father,
in future I'd rather,
you abstained, or were not naughty twice."

An exceedingly fat friend of mine,
When asked at what hour he'd dine,
Replied, "At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight and a quarter past nine.

There once was a man from Bonaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.